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03:09 pm
[Link] | ok so today im 126 pounds. big christmas night out is in 26 days so im aiming for 110-115 pounds for then and then 100 by xmas. got to control binges and stick to plan. my boyfriends ex who is a model is gona be at the xmas party so cannot be a beached whale when she's gonna be there.
xxx
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10:49 pm
[Link] |
interesting but dont really go with these plans. nt really necessary but might be good.
Ana Boot Camp
1: 500 calories
2: 500 calories
3: 300 calories
4: 400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: FAST!!!
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04:19 am
[Link] |
today..........
ok so ye weight today 124/125 so that 30-35lbs left to go.getting better-finally-hate being fat-miss being 95-will be again soon- so needto loose 15 lbs a month so 3-4 lbs a week-kinof doable-lots of exercise and 800cals r less a day.xxx
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03:49 am
[Link] |
my fattness......
makes me sick-nw i can look at it when wana eat.
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05:59 pm
[Link] |
coller bones
i see a bit of an improvement.............
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04:21 pm
[Link] | ok so today-130lbs-yuk
want to be 95-kill me now
so food today-2 cocktail sausages-200cals
2 eggwhites and some beans-100cals
apple-67cals
2 bottles of water
so later to bring me up to 500-maybe-see how long i last
1 clementine-30cals
100g of frozen veg-104 cals so thats 501cals in total-might leave out the veg.
i know ive made so many plans before but this is the shit thats goin down from nw on-hw ghetto that was-my o my-hehe.
breakfast-coffeeclementine and plum-55cals
snack-clementine-30cals
lunch-2 egg whites and 10 grapes-60cals
snack-clementine-30cals
dinner-100g frozen veg-104
total-280 and 2 cuppa soups makes-toatl-340cals
perfect-no more than 350cals in a day sick of being a fat mess-so i have like 3 months to loose the weight.i can do it but support is needed.x
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04:17 pm
[Link] | ok so today is the 21st of february and its my fresh start 900/1000 cals each day and need to loose 5 pounds evry 2 weeks
current weight-135
need to be -95- by june 14th
so ye tiday ive had-small hlf orange-30
pack of skips(gave in to temptation)-85
then at 5.30-broccolli-90cals
at 6.30-soup-50cals
at 7.30-soup-50cals
dinner at 9-276 cals weight watchers meal
then carrots at 11 b4 bed so i don't get up and binge again-60cals
total for the day-thats 641 so to get up to what i need i could have another oack of skips-641+85=726
its not 900/1000 but i don't care i can't eat any more and i won't binge when im eating that much and so often-i love this and i love tescos veg sale-hehe
now i need to make a list of things to do:
1. o well obviously loose the weight
2. sort out mortgage
3. ring my uncle about deposit
4. catch up on work stuff
5.do washing
6. clean flat
7. book flights for new york and paris and book accomodation for paris
8. get money sorted for new blackberry and money for contract and bill
9. send thank you cards for presents gotten for bday
10. get new identity card
11. apply for new credit card
12. find college course for next year-part time for work
13. get proposals done for work
14. sort out seff staying with me for his summer hols and his work experience with GQ
ok so ye i have loads to do but it helps to put it down so i can check things off
ahhh my little bros comming to stay with me for summer-yay-i doubt my foods much better than the stuff at boarding school but i can bring him to clubs and parties and stuff and ye its gona be brill.
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10:11 pm
[Link] | so ye i now hate all models-except amy but shes not technically a model anymore(got axed for being too thin-bmi shit) the opposite to me who got axed for being too fat or as they said" no longer having the right look for the agency"-bullshit. but ye so sharon from storm called me up and said that there scouting again in june and they want me to come in during for a meet and greet and ladee da try and get signed-fuck ford-dickheads.but ye kindof told a little lie saying i was down to 115lbs-so not true but ye the plan has to be in motion-i need definite goals-need to loose a certain amount each week so they want me at 95-100 so ill try 95 to be sure so that meens
now-135-yuk
need to loose 40 lbs-in 16 weeks
so thats 2.5 pounds a week
diet plan
2 coffees a day-20
2 apples-100
1 low cal cuppa soup-30
1 weight watchers yogurt-51 cals
2 melba toasts-16
dinner-weight watchers dinner-275
Total-492
need to do it and with such little to loose each week that means binges are not the worst thing ever.(even though they are).
bye.xxxxxxxx
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05:53 pm
[Link] | i just don't see the point anymore-i came here for the support of others to help me deal with my problems-to get the support i need toget through each day and then something happens here and i go 5 steps back -kristi was a good person who i will miss just like all i was in contact to and knew on this site-i know i know no one personally but i have few friends in the real world anyway-i realised today that my angoraphobia has taken over in a way from ana-i cannot leave the flat without 3 hrs prep and thats just to go 2 doors over on my street to the shop for my cigs and vogue-i know my ed is what started this all but i cannot see where it became harder to go outside than to eat-eating is gone-its no longer a struggle but a dayly rutine- a set plan for the day-always the same like my life is set out. i cannot see the end but then again i don't think kristi did until the friday. i just read a post by someone called 90 please and it made em sick-hw could someone get pain frm others suffering-i cannot coprehand it-and we are called the sick ones. i feel bad pouring out my problems at this time but they are mine-i alone can deel with them and this week has made it all the more clear that i need help-something ive always known- but i cannot bring myself to get it-sure i panic when my chest hurts or i cannot breath or when i have no energy to get out of bed but still nothing-i always wanted to be thin for others recognition but why when no one ever sees me anymore-for my boyfriend to love me, for my friends to like me, to be as pretty as the other models but all of that is gone nw so what is left- only ana-my supposid friend. why should i go on?
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12:54 am
[Link] |
as good as it gets
so i really feel like shit-my life really has no meaning-sometimes i feel guilty for taking up space on this planet cause im so worthless-but dramatic as it sounds-its true-what do i contribute to this world-nothing.my weight was my life and my ed controlled it but after 9 years of ana im now 120lbs and fat-kindof makes me a contradiction to the definition of anorexia.all i want is to be thin but yet all i seem to do is eat.i want to be thin so much but yet can't seem to stop eating or even try to loose weight-if i want it so bad how can i not do what it takes to be thin-do i have no will power.ok im starting to talk crap nw but tomorrow is a new day and i can do this-2morrow can only have 200 cals-s0 2 tins of weight watchers soup and i cupa soup-and loads of tae with no milk and no suger-just supplement,i can do this-i hope!!!!!
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12:55 am
[Link] | Avalache is sullen and too thin, she starves herself to rid herself of sin, and the kick is so devine when she see's bones beneath her skin, and she says" hey baby can u bleed like me? come on baby can u bleed like me?"
Sarah takes that scissors to her skin, and when she does relief comes pouring in, while she hides the scars she's making underneath her pritty clothes, she sings "hey baby can you bleed like me? come on baby can u bleed like me?"
Therory is speedies brand new drug, dancing with the devils past has never benn too fun, its better off than trying ti take a bullet from a gun, and she crys "hey baby acn u bleed like me?, come on baby can u bleed like me?".
you should see my scares, you should see my scares, and when you do you'll try to comprehend that which you'll never comprehend.
(you should see my scars)
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12:47 am
[Link] |
lemon
They clipped my wings again, tore them apart and then left me, no ues to fly away to my yesterday of freedom. my eyes died back that day, seeing the hurt i may have done, beat me instead of them, kills my only zen of fine.I'll go where secrets are sold, where roses unfold, ill sleep as time goes by.
so hurting here is where i belong, dreaming of somewhere my hand can say im strong. the flowers in the graveyard are all gone, i don't belong, there is no right, to give a wrong oh super strong heart felling like ill do or die, i can't grow up, i don't think i even want to try.
You still can't make me cry, you've pinned this butterfly down, my fires burning out, kill my flame without a frown, and starving hurts the soul when your hungry for some love, so if i close my eyes, i can really fly above.
So hurting here is where i belong, dreaming of somewhere my hand can say im strong. the flowers in the graveyard are all gone,
I DON'T BELONG...............
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12:37 am
[Link] | An instant icon, her beauty known by all.
But her reflection was her pain, her beauty her suffering.
They knew her face, but never her mind,
for no one could understand what she did not.
Andwith the gun in hand,
she let the mirror torture her one last time,
as the bullet relieved her of her sins.
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12:33 am
[Link] |
found my old high school journal and started reading all my old poems
As the needle penetrated her skin,
she did not feel the relief she wanted, for nothing could take away the pain of life.
And as she watched them from the window, the blood dripped from her scared flesh.
She dreamed to feel like them.
But instead, retreated to the darkness of her mind,
and cried her tears of blood.
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lessislife's journal